Gripe Sheet @ Quantas!

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

a) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

b) P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

c) P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

d) P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

e) P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

f) P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

g) P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

h) P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

i) P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

j) P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

k) P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.

l) P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

m) P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

n) P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

See......"As you sow, so you reap!"